Listening is hard (but it’s good to be heard)

You have two ears and only one mouth

As a child, one of my parents used this phrase to remind that I was supposed to listen twice as much as to talk. But it turns out that listening is harder than you think. Why is that?

The way our brains are wired seeks Dopamine, which makes us more interested in talking about ourselves, offering our solutions to other people’s problems and sharing our own advice. We fail to properly listen to the speaker.

We often have a limited attention span to deal with what we are hearing, and impose our own agenda, and our own thoughts and ideas instead. This means that we fail to pay proper attention to them.

Sometimes the physical environment detracts from listening; external noise, distractions and discomfort can physically hinder our ability to listen.

Strong emotions produce a mental noise that may hinder us from processing what is being said. Our own prejudices and judgements can impose an unhelpful filter and prevent us hearing what we are being told.

Finally, the listener may face differences in cognitive, auditory, or language processing, including neuorodiversity. They may not have the skills to process these differences correctly.

We are not born with the ability to listen but we can develop the skill through conscious effort, self-management, and practice. It is a rare skill; however Coaches are trained to be good active listeners.

What is the value of being listened to?

Being listened to is great. Listening produces validation and enhances our senses of self-esteem and self-worth. Being heard provides strong emotional support. It reduces stress, and, during challenging times, may be cathartic. Listening builds empathy, understanding and enhances the sense of belonging, and thereby strengthens our personal and professional relationships.

Where the speaker is experiencing conflicts, especially in the workplace, being listened to de-escalates tension and paves the way for understanding and resolution. The experience of being heard combats isolation and depression.

Crucially, listening is the process of verbalising our thoughts to a receptive listener, and will clarifies issues, allowing ideas and solutions to emerge. These inform decision-making and problem-solving. The listening process enhances learning, self-understanding, openness to new ideas, and opportunities for personal growth.

The International Centre for Compassionate Organisations said: ‘Few aspects of human experience are as powerful as the yearning to be understood. When we think someone listens, we believe we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are acknowledged, and that we have something to share. A listener’s empathy... builds a bond linking us to someone who seems to understand and care, thus confirming that our feelings are recognizable and legitimate.’

When do I need to be listened to?

It is always good to be listened to! But an Executive Coach can help you to check your goals, especially when you are not clear about your future or facing work stresses. By being given time and space to articulate your thoughts clearly, you will understand your motivations, options and potential future strategies. Coaching is an excellent means of self-development - you learn to listen more clearly to yourself amidst the jumble of inner competing ideas.

And finally!

Listening is a skill which is learned, and a good listener will overcome internal distractions, environmental factors, their own thoughts and ideas and sometimes cognitive or sensory issues. 

You can access the skill of being listened to by talking to a Coach. Coaches are expert listeners, and being listened to by a Coach has huge potential to help you. Being listened to validates your identity, strengthens your relationships, reduces your stress, fosters learning, and is fundamental to your emotional well-being and social connection. It enables you to unlock your thoughts, understand new solutions and to move forward in your life and career.

If you are juggling the many demands on your professional life, if you feel unsupported and undervalued, or if you feel you are no longer on the same page as your employers, why not consider seeking help from an Executive Coach. You can book a free no obligation 30 minute on-line conversation with me here. If I am not the right Coach for you, I will recommend somebody else who might be.

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